Set Your Goals
In recent years, I’ve found goal setting to be one of the most productive activities you can do for yourself. In my experience, rather than rattle off thirty things you think you want, start with a single word. What would you like to embody in 2010? What’s your 2010 theme? In terms of myself, I chose the word ‘give’ because I want to make this year about giving as much possible to the people who come into my life. From there, apply it to every facet of your life especially in the places where you could use improvement. What are you financial goals for 2010? What are your health goals of 2010? What are your spiritual goals of 2010? What are your love life goals of 2010? Write them down, print them out and share them with everyone. As Robert Cialdini writes in Influence, we as people want to appear as committed and as consistent as possible. By sharing your goals with the world, you go the extra lengths to reach the finish line.
Love Your Body (by treating it right)
Learn a New Skill
Side Note: I highly recommend the book Masteryby George Leonard which breaks down the essentials for mastering anything you do in life.
Take Big Actions
Build Key Relationships
Hustle Hard, Play Hard
The late psychiatrist Milton Erickson found that whenever it snowed, he would love to wake very early so he would be the first one to layfootprints in the newly fallen snow. As he walked to school, he would trample a round about path that weaved back and forth around the side of school rather than walking in a direct path to the front. And low and behold, the kids that showed up later would follow his weaving round about path, making it wider and more prominent. Erickson used this example of his childhood to illustrate how we develop habits. By doing something or behaving in a certain way, the brain lays a specific neural pathway for that behavior or emotion making it that much easier to do again, for better or worse. Over continued exposure, that neural pathway becomes so prominent that the behavior or way of thinking becomes the natural, default thing to do. A habit is born.
People have a ton of habits. We have speaking habits, emotional habits, sleeping habits, work habits and even body language habits. In becoming an attractive man, you want to break any and mental or physical habits that hinder your ability to meet and attract women. You also want to develop new replacement behaviors that rewire your brain for abundance and success in all areas of your life including relationships.
‘I used to have an unconscious habit of fidgeting every time I was interacting with a woman. Whether it was because I was nervous, anxious or whatever, it had become so ingrained that whenever I was speaking with a woman my hands had to be moving or touching something and my legs were usually bouncing back and forth. Someone eventually brought this to my attention and recognizing the effect of body language, I made a point to keep still when I was around women. At first it was hard and required a lot of focus and energy. But after a few weeks of conscious stilling, I noticed my body began naturally not moving as much when interacting with people. And despite a few occasional self reminders, this new behavior has become a natural and thoughtless habit.’
The process of replacing habits is usually a 5 phase process that consists of 1)Unconscious Incompetence, 2)Conscious Incompetence, 3)Conscious Competence, 4)Unconscious Competence and 5)Maintenance.
This is before the learning begins. When you have a deficiency in a certain area, you will not be aware of it until someone or something brings it to your attention. Without awareness, you cannot know if you’re doing something the right way or the wrong way. You have no idea. Take for example table manners. A child will have no qualms about chewing with his mouth open until someone lets him know that it is impolite to do so. Without awareness, there can be no learning.
When you recognize and accept you are doing something wrong, you have conscious incompetence. You are aware you doing it the wrong way. When a child is told to keep his mouth closed when he chews and that indulging in such behavior is rude, he will have conscious incompetence. He knows he is doing it and knows it is the wrong behavior to do.
Once you have recognized you are doing something wrong, you will consciously make an effort to do it the correct way. You are making a conscious effort to correct your behavior, rewire your brain and avoid reverting back to a bad habit. When the child recognizes his mistake, he makes a conscious effort to chew with his mouth closed. This of course is a controlled process that requires attention.
After massive amounts of repeated effort, the new behavior becomes an automatic process that simply is a part of you and requires no conscious attention whatsoever. Sticking with the previous analogy, after the child has repeatedly made a conscious effort to chew with his mouth closed, he will stop thinking about it yet still perform the task. At this point, it has become part of his natural behavior.
The phrase “If you don’t use it, you lose it’ is absolutely true. As a guy who played soccer for over fifteen years, I eventually retired and invested my energy in other things like meeting and attracting women. However, a couple of years later when I returned to play, I noticed my skills had deteriorated with time. This can apply to anything in life including attractive behavior. Always be willing to occasionaly revisit a learned behavior to prevent yourself from getting too rusty.
It’s important to consider what habits you engage in that help you and hinder you. For those that are holding you back in your relationships and wellbeing, you should always be working towards changing the pattern and allowing better, more effective habits to replace them. For those habits that are productive and considered strong qualities, you should always be strengthening them and making them more prominent in your life.
Also check out the company I was talking about ‘tatango’ here