Men:

The bottom line is this: rejection, like confrontation is hard. No one wants to hurt another’s feelings.

No one wants to blatantly say, “I’m just not that into you.” We prefer to speak with our actions. (After

all, aren’t they louder than words?)

We are all searching for something.  For everyone, it’s something different, but I think it can be boiled down to two things: fun and fulfillment.  Let me explain.  We live our lives searching for fun, to have fun times, fun experiences, just creating fun memories.  Stories that will serve us for the rest of our lives.  Anyway, as time goes by, I believe there is a shift in what we really seek out.  Fun will always be a vital element, but pretty soon fulfillment is what we are really after.  The challenge I face as a coach, is finding a healthy balance between the two.  Some people I work with are tired of all the partying, and really want to ease into a nice long-term relationship that is more fulfilling.  While others, may be getting out of a serious relationship and are striving to re-establish themselves in the dating scene and start having more fun in their life.
Ask yourself, what am I really looking for right now?  You may think you’re searching for Mr. or Mrs. Right, but in reality because you’re looking so hard for that person, or waiting for them to come along, you’re missing the fun you can be having as a strong, single, independent person.  Conversely, if you’ve been in that long-term relationship for awhile, and it’s becoming a little stale, it may be time for a little relationship rejuvenation.  Time to spark up some fun and spontaneity.

You come here often?

Is it OK for Women to Ask Men Out?

On a First Date

What he’s thinking: (By Tyler)

Of course it’s OK for the girl to ask the guy out.  This isn’t the 1950’s.  However, there does need to be a protocol observed by both parties.  Due to the natural wiring of a man, we are certified hunters, and need to be chasing for us to feel like we are being challenged enough.  However, if a woman wants to ask a guy out, there are great ways to allow him to feel like you’re still a challenge, just make the guy feel like it is his idea.  It’s kind of like the movie “Inception.”  The great thing about it is that there is always an out.  Guys know this first-hand.  How many times have you heard “I have a boyfriend” from a girl?  It’s a pretty standard response that women believe is a polite way to let a guy down if she’s not interested in going out with him.  Well guys, don’t we have that same option?
I personally enjoy seeing some assertiveness from a woman.  Knowing what you want in life is a trait of confidence, and seeking it, is an attractive quality. Unfortunately, some of the women out there have been conditioned to believe the man should make the first move, whether it is the first date, first kiss, first anything. In reality, a strong, confident man does not mind taking a back seat once in a while, and letting the woman drive.  And that’s the kind of guy you’re looking for after all, isn’t it ladies?

What she thinks: (By Carina)
Though the Facebook poll blew my own personal opinion out of the water, I’m standing my ground. I’ve been called a traditionalist, and while I don’t subscribe to “the Rules,” I do believe that if a guy is interested in a woman, he will make the first move.

Though this topic is infinitely more complicated than the simple question, the bottom line is this:  He won’t value his interest in you if you have to ask him out.  You will be setting a precedent of being the one to lead the relationship, which can lead to complications further on.  Think first kiss, first intimate moment, any relationship discussion that may or may not happen, etc. How things begin is often how they will continue.

It’s very similar to waiting for the first call or text. If you don’t hear from someone, it’s not because they lost your number or are simply having a busy week. It means that they are just not that into you.

Ladies, don’t you want a guy, don’t you deserve a guy, who would call, text or ask you out?

I’m not saying leave everything in the guy’s hands. As a woman, I think dropping a few obvious hints is more than appropriate. Let him know you are interested in him, not just for the evening but in the future. “I’ve never tried that restaurant, but have been meaning to…” “When so-and-so bartends they make the best (insert name of drink here), you have to try it sometime!” “I’m so curious about that new SAM exhibit. It’s supposed to open in a week.” … you get the idea. It’s OK to imply, but let him take it from there.

Second Date and Beyond

What he thinks:

This is wide open.  After a few dates, I would personally be disappointed if the woman wasn’t setting up, asking, and delivering on a date of her planning.  I want a woman to bring me into her world, just as much as she wants to be brought into mine.  In fact, it’s a fantastic way for the man to get to know the woman better, as a simple date can give a lot of information about a person, especially in the early stages.

What she thinks:
Until you’ve established a mutual interest in dating and seeing each other on a regular basis, I think every date is just like the first date. As a woman you do have more room to be clearer and apparent in your interest of another date. Talk about “checking something out together” in future tense. But continue to allow him to suggest a specific time and place. You deserve to be pursued.

How do you feel about it?  Feel free to leave us a comment!

Looking for a more modern romance?

Friends, after a brief hiatus, Attractology is back full time to provide you with tools and philosophies to help you feel more confident and attractive everyday.  Does that sound good?

Also, thank you for being a part of our community, we really appreciate all of you.

OK, here is a topic that I’m sure a few of you can appreciate.  Especially the women!  The topic of romance means something different to each person you ask.  However, it’s a key component to the dating protocol.  We all need it to a certain degree, so let’s dive right into it.   I want you to think about what it means to you, and are you getting enough of it in your life?  We have a few principles here at Attractology and one of them is to make sure you are getting what you need.  We only have a short amount of time in this world, so making room for the things we need, and letting go of those that don’t serve us is paramount.

We’re in Seattle, so this post is going to have a local flavor to it, but hopefully you can get something out of it, even if you’re somewhere else in the world.

One of the best cities in the world to create romance is Seattle.  It’s true.  It’s got long dark winters, perfect for cozying up with someone, and the summer’s are mild so you don’t have to walk around all sweaty looking like a hot mess.  The waterfront is beautiful all the time, and there is no end to the amount of outdoor activities.

When you’re in a fairly new relationship, everything you do can have a romantic feel to it, mostly because it’s something new and fresh you’re experiencing together.  If you’ve been in a relationship for a while, it becomes a little more difficult to organically create that feeling.  At that point, you’ve done a lot of things together, and as we become more comfortable the drive to explore and be adventurous begins to wane.  Let’s not let that happen to us.  Let’s keep things fresh and be spontaneous.  The fact that you are doing it together will make whatever you’re doing more romantic.  Yes?

Here are a few suggestions to try out, whether you just started dating someone, or have been together in a serious relationship for five years.   These are just ideas, please feel free to customize them and make them your own.

1.)  Take the Theo Chocolate Factory Tour in Fremont.  The tour is only an hour long and at $6 per person you can’t beat the price.  You’ll learn a little about cacao (which is great for trivia nights at your local pub,) and taste a lot of delicious chocolate.  Not to mention chocolate is considered an aphrodisiac and is said to have quite an effect on a woman’s mood.

2.)  Bundle up and take a tour of the Olympic Sculpture Park.  Eat at the TASTE Café while you’re there and discuss your favorite works of art from the tour.

3.)  We’re in the thick of autumn, the leaves are turning, (football is on), the air is crisp and Halloween is fast approaching so something as simple as pumpkin carving can be romantic if you add a bottle of champagne and a few well-placed candles.

4.)  With cold weather, comes more time indoors.  So, cook a Fall-inspired meal together – decide on the recipe and shop for the ingredients together.  Time in the kitchen can be a great relationship builder and will help to bring you closer.  Once you’re done, feel free to dig in!  (clothing optional, of course…)

5.)  Take a stroll around Greenlake and bring a picnic if the weather isn’t too chilly.  Make sure you pack some hot chocolate and an extra blanket to cuddle up with.

6.)  Sharing new experiences together release hormones that create a feeling of attraction and elation so try something neither of you have experienced before like rock climbing.  Stone Gardens located in Ballard is a great place with decent rates.

7.)  Be a kid again!  Head down to the Seattle Waterfront Arcade located at Pier 57.  You’ll be surrounded by tourists, providing great people watching, and a new energy you both will easily absorb.

8.)  Treat your date to a delicious meal without breaking the bank.  It’s Seattle Restaurant Week and the month of November is Dine Around Seattle.

Please feel free to share your ideas with us too, we would love to hear them!

So you’ve gone out to a high class lounge for the evening with a group of good buddies. Midway through the evening you started talking to a beautiful woman and were successfully able to captivate her interest and and then ultimately get her number!

All the years spent on learning the fundamentals of attraction are finally paying off and the format you’ve been following is finally clicking! Hooorah!

But now what?!

That is a question that many men ask once they have successfully gone through the initial steps.

This week we will be exploring some simple tips and tricks you can use when making that first phone call with a girl and once that has been fully internalized, then we will take it step further and elaborate on how to set up a date with her in next weeks newsletter.

We here at Attractology firmly believe that it is a good idea to call a girl within two days of initially meeting her. Many men have the common belief (possibly from the movie Swingers) that you should wait six-seven days before calling a girl but that simply is too long to wait. You want the girl to remember you while it is still fresh in her mind and also keep the ball rolling before it loses momentum so it is highly recommended that you call that special girl within two days of meeting her.

Yes, there may be a little nervousness/anxiety when making that first call, but you need to consistently remind yourself that you are an Alpha-Male, the leader of men and know how to keep a conversation going with anyone.

So what do you do?

Your main objective during the initial phone conversation should be to build additional comfort and trust so you can eventually invite her to meet face to face on a date.

One tip that you may want to consider doing is writing out a list of topics you may potentially want to discuss and using the list as a guideline throughout your conversation. Nothing is worse than having an awkward pause for a few seconds/minutes where no one knows what to say. I don’t recommend relying on this technique all the time but just temporarily until you get more comfortable carrying a conversation effortlessly.

Another thing to keep in mind is not to spend hours on the phone with a girl, that’s what her girlfriends are for! Plus if you’re going to speak, why not just do it in person?

A guideline you may consider following in the beginning is a simple format as this:

1) Fun/Teasing Introduction – “Hey Lil Miss Vino! This is that real awesome guy you met at “X” lounge last night!“ (Something you teased her about when you first met her or something you remember about her which made her unique)

2) Ask what she is doing and tease her again on it (if possible). A simple example could be: “oh your cooking!! Sure you don’t have a BOTTLE of wine next to you as well“ or something playful like that.

3) Ask “what you been up too?” or “how’s your day going? Anything interesting happen?!?! Intrigue me with a fun story!” – Challenge her, stimulate her mind, and make her think by asking for an “intriguing story/event” throughout her day. Yes you can def. ask “what you been up too? Or “how’s your day going” but also take it a step further and ask her to tell you something unique about her day.

If she has nothing unique to tell you, then playfully tease her and say: “You need to start spending more time with me! I always have unique interesting events that happen throughout the day…for example, just today I was at………….” and go into a story about something interesting that happened to you that day.

4) Hopefully she asks you how your day was (which they usually do). When she does, you should spend a few minutes elaborating on her question and try going into a story/conversation that demonstrates value for yourself.

For example:

“Oh my day was good…busy at work but during lunch I want to the most amazing sandwich place and the owner was kind enough to give me a free desert because he said he liked my vibe. Hahhaha random but hey..can’t refuse to free food =)”

Or

“My day was amazing! Woke up and went for a nice walk with my dog, had a very productive day at work and went to this new sandwich place with a friend and in the evening got my kickboxing class in and relaxed when I got home with a glass of wine and my guitar”

5) Whatever story you go into, try somehow incorporating her into it, disqualifying her (if possible) during the story and later try to make her qualify herself to you. Not as much as you would do in person but just a small little disqualification could be thrown in there.

6) Find out what her plans are for the rest of the day/week and end the conversation by saying “well hey…maybe we can hit up that sandwich place later this week if it works with both of our schedules. I need to run right now because I’m going to help my friend move out of her apartment (gives yourself value) but lets def. touch base later on this week!” – ALWAYS try making it a point to end the conversation before she does. It shows that YOU have stuff to do and that your time is very valuable.

When you end the conversation, you now have an “open loop” or another reason to touch bases with her again (the sandwich place) later on in the week. We will go into further depth about “seeding” in the following weeks but you have essentially “seeded” an event for the future with her.

The format mentioned above is only a basic guideline to follow when you are first starting to have phone conversations with women. You will notice that the more you begin to talk to women on the phone, the more comfortable you will become on carrying conversations until it finally becomes internalized in you and becomes second nature.

There may be anxiety at first but the only way to succeed and take steps forward is to put yourself out there and do it. Always remember: NEVER doubt yourself.

Until Next Time….

Many times individuals get so immersed into their daily routine of waking up, going to work or school, coming home, watching television and going to bed only to continue that same routine for the next five days that they often start neglecting their social lives and become robots to the daily grind of life.

Fortunately for us here at Attractology, we understand the importance of having a social life and how valuable it can be not only for a fun time but also for the wellness and happiness of an individual.

This week we would like to spend some time discussing five different ways how we can expand our social lives by meeting new interesting people and at the same time, increasing our own value in life.

Before we go explore these five avenues of expanding our social circle, it is important that we do not ignore a common feeling that may arise for some of us. In our efforts to meet new people, it may be uncomfortable in the beginning but you need to believe in yourself and never doubt yourself for one second. The only way to expand your social life is to start making an effort to put yourself out there. Remember to never doubt yourself.

Five Ways to Expand Your Social Circle

Sports Leagues

Joining a sports league in your area is a great way to meet people who have similiar interests as you and also a great way to stay in shape. Often times going to the gym can become repetitive and boring so why not mix it up and participate in another physical workout activity (such as soccer, football, baseball) which also involves interacting with other individuals.

If you do not know where to start, one good place is a website called Sportsvite -(http://sportsvite.com/) which allows you to find different leagues in your area or even start up your own. Another great resource is a local newspaper which can be found at any supermarket, newspaper stand or coffee shop.

Join a Music School

Signing up to learn an instrument at a local music school is an amazing way to add value into your life and also meet new people. There is an assumption made throughout the public that music schools only have one on one teaching (Student with Teacher) but there are many schools which offer group classes where there are anywhere from 3-10 students per class and is often much cheaper too. You may be surprised on how fun it can be and making music with others is a unique and special way to form a bond with individuals.

One great resource to find a music school in your area is AboutMusicSchool -(www.aboutmusicschools.com/), which supplies you with all the basic information you need to know about choosing an instrument, which music school to go too and also where to find them.

Participating at Local Charity Events

One of the best ways to meet great people and also give back to the community is to start participating in charity events in your city or surrounding cities; and since charity events tend to be a group of people working together to serve one cause, it should be no problem interacting with people! Not only will you walk away feeling like a better person, you will also have met many amazing individuals in your community who do not isolate themselves.

If you are unsure what’s happening in your area then simply pick up a local newspaper or get on the internet and type “Charity Events in (Your City)”. Also feel free to check out a site called Charity Happenings (www.CharityHappenings.org) which gives a listing of a variety of charity nonprofits across the United States.

Classes at a Community College

Signing up for any classes that interests you at a community college is often one of the best ways to meet people that often gets overlooked. A majority of the friends we’ve met throughout our lives we’ve either met in school or at our jobs so why not go back to one of the main sources of meeting people and enroll in a class at a local college.
Learning a new language, taking a class on 18th century art, enrolling in a yoga class, or getting your masters is an instant way to add value into your life and also put yourself out there to expand your social circle.

The great things about community colleges are that they are easy to enroll in, very affordable and a great way to make classmates into good friends. Community colleges can be found in every city so ask around and take a trip to your local college to register for a class!

Networking/Mixer Events

Going to “networking mixer” event in your area can be a great way to get a hybrid of your professional life tied into your social life. A majority of events have cocktails, appetizers and tables set up where individuals can mix and mingle in a professional environment and is perfect if you want to get away from the nightlife scene.
A majority of the people at these types of events will be professionals from your area who are looking to network with others so the opportunity to met new people couldn’t be higher – People are there specially to meet you!

Check out sites such as Networkingeventfinders.com, Netparty.com, or meetup.com to get an invite to your next networking event, don’t miss out!

Once you start involving yourself in extra-circular activities, you will start meeting people and then after your soccer game, guitar class or art history class, you and your new colleagues can all go get a few drinks at a local bar, get to know each other on a more personal level and really start to expand your social circle.

Another suggestion is to throw a BBQ for your newly found friends with a themed party where: “everyone has to bring someone else from the opposite sex” or something fun like that.

The goal is for you to be an individual who knows a lot of people and is always willing to put yourself out there. Make it a point to be social everywhere you go.

If you are at the market – talk to the casher; if you are going for a walk around the block – say “Hi” to everyone that passes you by.

Point is – Be Social!

Being Social = an expanded social circle

So don’t waste a single second, go online, get a local newspaper, get out there and see what activities you are going on in your area…now is the time! Once you have some extra-circular activities going on in your life where you can expand your social circle, then you will be ready for the next steps…

Lets face it, first dates can be scary. The good news is that there are variety of things you can do to make a first date go smoothly. There are also a few things to avoid doing! There’s nothing worse than accidentally sending the wrong signals when it’s someone you really like!

The late psychiatrist Milton Erickson found that whenever it snowed, he would love to wake very early so he would be the first one to layfootprints in the newly fallen snow. As he walked to school, he would trample a round about path that weaved back and forth around the side of school rather than walking in a direct path to the front. And low and behold, the kids that showed up later would follow his weaving round about path, making it wider and more prominent. Erickson used this example of his childhood to illustrate how we develop habits. By doing something or behaving in a certain way, the brain lays a specific neural pathway for that behavior or emotion making it that much easier to do again, for better or worse. Over continued exposure, that neural pathway becomes so prominent that the behavior or way of thinking becomes the natural, default thing to do. A habit is born.

People have a ton of habits. We have speaking habits, emotional habits, sleeping habits, work habits and even body language habits. In becoming an attractive man, you want to break any and mental or physical habits that hinder your ability to meet and attract women. You also want to develop new replacement behaviors that rewire your brain for abundance and success in all areas of your life including relationships.

‘I used to have an unconscious habit of fidgeting every time I was interacting with a woman. Whether it was because I was nervous, anxious or whatever, it had become so ingrained that whenever I was speaking with a woman my hands had to be moving or touching something and my legs were usually bouncing back and forth. Someone eventually brought this to my attention and recognizing the effect of body language, I made a point to keep still when I was around women. At first it was hard and required a lot of focus and energy. But after a few weeks of conscious stilling, I noticed my body began naturally not moving as much when interacting with people. And despite a few occasional self reminders, this new behavior has become a natural and thoughtless habit.’
-Greg

The process of replacing habits is usually a 5 phase process that consists of 1)Unconscious Incompetence, 2)Conscious Incompetence, 3)Conscious Competence, 4)Unconscious Competence and 5)Maintenance.

Unconscious incompetence

This is before the learning begins. When you have a deficiency in a certain area, you will not be aware of it until someone or something brings it to your attention. Without awareness, you cannot know if you’re doing something the right way or the wrong way. You have no idea. Take for example table manners. A child will have no qualms about chewing with his mouth open until someone lets him know that it is impolite to do so. Without awareness, there can be no learning.

Conscious Incompetence

When you recognize and accept you are doing something wrong, you have conscious incompetence. You are aware you doing it the wrong way. When a child is told to keep his mouth closed when he chews and that indulging in such behavior is rude, he will have conscious incompetence. He knows he is doing it and knows it is the wrong behavior to do.

Conscious competence

Once you have recognized you are doing something wrong, you will consciously make an effort to do it the correct way. You are making a conscious effort to correct your behavior, rewire your brain and avoid reverting back to a bad habit. When the child recognizes his mistake, he makes a conscious effort to chew with his mouth closed. This of course is a controlled process that requires attention.

Unconscious competence

After massive amounts of repeated effort, the new behavior becomes an automatic process that simply is a part of you and requires no conscious attention whatsoever. Sticking with the previous analogy, after the child has repeatedly made a conscious effort to chew with his mouth closed, he will stop thinking about it yet still perform the task. At this point, it has become part of his natural behavior.

Maintenance

The phrase “If you don’t use it, you lose it’ is absolutely true. As a guy who played soccer for over fifteen years, I eventually retired and invested my energy in other things like meeting and attracting women. However, a couple of years later when I returned to play, I noticed my skills had deteriorated with time. This can apply to anything in life including attractive behavior. Always be willing to occasionaly revisit a learned behavior to prevent yourself from getting too rusty.

It’s important to consider what habits you engage in that help you and hinder you.  For those that are holding you back in your relationships and wellbeing,  you should always be working towards changing the pattern and allowing better, more effective habits to replace them.   For those habits that are productive and considered strong qualities, you should always be strengthening them and making them more prominent in your life.