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 One of the biggest problems guys face when communicating with women is running out of things to say and letting the conversation lull to where there’s that awkward ‘ummmmm….sooo’.  At this point, the most comfortable thing to do tuck tail, politely excuse yourself and basically cut off a potentially fruitful relationship. This happens incredibly often yet is completely unnecessary when interacting with a woman.  If you want to be able to attract anywhere,  you have to have the ability to create a natural, engaging conversation between yourself and a woman.   

The first thing that needs to be recognized is that as a person who’s initiating a conversation, you need to be able to lead and move the interaction forward.  Even though this won’t always be the case you should always be prepared to give about 80% and expect around 20% in this first few minutes.  Eventually this should move to 50/50 but occasionally you’ll find people who take time to warm up to strangers.  Having that ability to simply talk about anything will reduce the chances of an awkward silence.  And though this is such a simple concept, a lot of guys really struggle with this when it comes to speaking with women.  In fact, one of the biggest complaints I hear from men is that they run out of things to talk about.  This is literally impossible. You have decades of experience to draw on and relate to.  You should be able to talk for days.   So the excuse “I ran out of things to say’ is purely myth.  There should be a million things you can talk about.   

However, there are some things to enable a conversation to go more smoothly. 

Whenever I’m helping someone with this, the first thing that I attune them to is their environment and how to take advantage of the present moment.   When people run out of things to say it’s usually because their stuck in their head either monitoring their own behavior or trying too hard to think of something ‘interesting’ to say rather than just letting whatever comes out, come out.  

You have to remove that filter and when you attune to your environment and see what’s going on around you, you get out of your head and it’s so much easier to create verbal flow.   ”Ooh that’s an interesting necklace, what’s the story behind that?’ And so on.  You will also come to find is that when you’re in sync with what’s going on around you, you get a thousand and one conversational cues from the environment.   There are so many things happening around us that we neglect to pay attention to unless we’re completely present.  So if you’re one of those guys who is always running out of things to say, get out of your head and attune to your senses and the environment around you. 

Another key pointer for enabling an engaging conversation is to use statements over questions.

The great thing about statements is that you can throw them out and people can respond but aren’t required to.  In improv theater this is called an offer because it allows another person to accept it and work off of it rather than force a narrow, limited response a question  requires.  With just asking questions, there’s a lack of fluidity, pizzazz and women find it down right boring.  Maybe you’ve been in the position where you don’t know what to say so you go straight for the -what do you do?  -Where are you from? boring interview conversation.  Attractive woman have had this conversation a million and one times with guys and can’t stand it.  Just realize that any question can be rephrased into a statement. ‘Where do you work”  can be usually get answered by ‘I had the craziest day at work today’ and going from there.  By talking about something in your life, it always gives cues for her to relate to and build off of.    

This flows right into the next thing I want to cover and that’s relating through stories.

I’d say around 90% of conversation is storytelling in some form.  We are constantly relating to one another through our personal experiences. Now people always assume stories have to be these long drawn out, intriguing tales that changed the course of  life in some way but most stories aren’t really like this.  Yes, some stories and life experiences have changed us and we can talk about those but a good majority of our story telling is going to be little mini stories that were either reminded to us by something someone said or a cue in the environment.   An example of a short little story might be  ”wow you know I was riding the bus the other day and this strange man looked at me like he recognized me, walked up and said ‘don’t do it man!’  I was so weirded out.” It can be that short.  

An exercise I often teach and do myself before I go out in an any social environment is to point to a random object and find a way to relate that object to my life.  I’ll do this with a variety of random objects to the point where anything in the environment becomes a cue for a conversational lead in.  And this is great not only preparing to talk to women but also to any other social interaction that may take place.  Because the more you can relate to your environment, the more there she’ll be able to relate to as well.  The more offers you give, the easier it will be for her to accept and build off of.

Confident posture is often overlooked but extremely important.  Why is it important? Whether people are conscious of it or not in any social gathering they are constantly looking for clues (verbal and non-verbal) to analyze others around them. Walk into a restaurant or bar and it’s only natural to scan the room and see who is there and what they’re doing. We make judgements on people long before we even talk to them, it’s just how it works.

I think of my posture and how I hold myself physically as my ability to positively influence the people around me that are scanning the room. Watch the posture of celebrities or political figures with status and they all have good posture. Good posture means standing straight, tall, shoulders upright and aligned, head up looking straight ahead and the result is a confident, comfortable feel. Good posture does not involve flexing, strutting or having to be a tough guy.

SO, here’s my 2 Minute Posture Challenge

I challenge you to self-check your posture EVERY 2 minutes for half an hour the next time you go out. Posture is such an easy thing to do and then forget about because it requires consistent attention until it becomes habitual and I’ve found the most effective way to improve posture is by repetition. Here are some tips to keep in mind when self-checking:

I’ve been thinking about an interesting concept the last couple of weeks and it’s the barrier that stands between two people who have never met before.  When around friends we’re all social, talkative and can cut loose but for one reason or another in the presence of a stranger, we close ourselves off.  I can think of a couple reasons why we do this. 

Distraction

The first reason that comes to mind for me is distraction. During the day when we’re out we have things to do, a place to be and a time to be there by. Our daily missions and objectives come with heavy time constraints and rarely revolve around making friends or socializing.  For example, we go to a grocery store to get groceries to make dinner or go to the gym to workout.  We go to clothing store to buy clothes and all of this has to be done before 4pm! We are also heavily distracted by technology. Cell phones and mobile internet may be the greatest inventions of the 21st Century that can connect us in cyberspace, but they also draw us away from the ‘real world.’  A call here, a text there and an ever so often Facebook can chip hours away that could have been spent in the ‘real world’. 

Trust

The second and most important reason for the separation of two strangers is trust. With so many lunatics, perverts and crazies out there it can be really hard to tell who’s a good guy and who’s a not so good guy.  And seeing men have the physical edge, women have to be extra cautious. One place you can actively witness the weariness of females is in nightclubs and bars. The combination of alcohol, pent up horniness and dolled up women makes for a unique arena. 

In bars and nightclubs there is usually a high density of guys who have the same intention; pick up a woman. So it should come as no surprise that women in these places get hit on A LOT!  And every time a new guy approaches, his intentions become increasingly more visible and predictable and as a consequence, women are forced to be put up a wall that screens for any horny, houndish ‘guy’ behavior.  When guys act like this there will be an immiedate disconnect between them and her, the creeper radar has been alerted and responds with the fastest, most efficient way of getting him to leave usually involving her being having to be rude for the guy to get the clue.  Hey, she’s tried being nice and subtly showing disinterest before but that didn’t work.  Finally she realized the only way to remove themselves from this uncomfortable situation was to say something blunt enough to get him to leave. The problem is this wall also screens out a lot of good guys with good intentions who just don’t know how to connect with a woman. 

So how to connect and bring down the trust barrier. Knowing what you’ve just read, the answer should seem relatively simple. Be completely non-threatening. You have to NOT have an ulterior motive to pick her up. Firstly, this means recognizing the insignificance and natural process of sex.  Sex is natural and with the right person can be pure bliss but it’s not the end all and be all of life.  To pursue it as something greater than everything else is not only counterproductive in attracting women. Recognize this and you eliminate any need to get something from her.

The next thing that will help you lower the trust barrier is to assume everyone is already your friend and wants to meet you. Have a core intent to BE SOCIAL. We were designed to be social. By going out and simply talking to everyone you see, not as means to get something from them but just out of genuine curiosity, they will naturally be more receptive. And the only way I can really explain this is that when you have an underlying motivation or intention that is non needy, that isn’t trying to get something, people pick up on that energy and it naturally makes them more comfortable. They see it as it is, genuine sincerity and authenticity.  And I really learned from a good friend who would NEVER ‘try’ to pick up women but would talk to just about every man and women in the club and never once get rejected or told to leave.  And it was because of this idea of not having an ulterior motive, not having a need-laden intention that enabled instant trust with any person he came in contact with. 

Additional random thoughts that didn’t make it into this post…

*-You might wonder why women put up with the bar and clubs in the first place? Why go out to these “meat markets?” And the answer is attention. When you’re going to these places and receiving a ton attention and compliments from people, it’s extremely validating. You feel sexy when you know other people think you’re sexy. And even though a women may not be interested in ‘hooking up’ or meeting any man that night, the attention will keep bringing her back.*

*Have you ever noticed that as soon as you become introduced to someone either by a friend or acquaintance, it becomes easy to have a friendly, casual conversation?  It’s like that mutual contact, no matter what the relationship is, lowers that barrier to where the third party always feel comfortable talking to you. And really, this is how most couples meet; through mutual friends.  But in meeting women, relying solely on who you know and who your friends know can be incredibly limiting.*

A question I am asked a lot is “How can I tell when a girl is interested in me?”. Sure, answers like “when you sense it” or “when you two have a connection” are vague and simple enough to appease most people, but lets break it down a little further.

First off, a good frame of mind is to assume she is always interested you. Not in a way that you are crossing boundaries or laying all your cards on the table, but having a confident mindset will work in your favor.

Physical Signs & Actions That She Might Be Interested

• She touches you
• She whispers something
• She tilts her head playfully
• She plays with her hair
• She laughs at your jokes
• She holds eye contact
• She asks you questions
• She is generally just more open to conversation

What to do when you get these signs?

Keep the conversation going; listen and respond to her. Mastering kino touch is essential. Know the difference between a sexual guy (good) and a horny guy (bad). A sexual guy isn’t afraid to talk about a sexual topic or make a joke – he calls an spade a spade – while a horny guy is needy of sex and actions are driven because of it. By having a good time, incorporating touch and giving her subtle signs you are interested too you will find yourself taking things further, more often.

I thought it would be beneficial to take a few moments to describe what it means to me to take risks. A defining moment in my life was when I first started learning about attraction and social dynamics. As a sub category in the self development movement, one of the first things I learned was that to meet women you have be willing to ACT without thinking. You have to be willing to approach a women without thinking of how it could go wrong.

You have to be willing to jump into the fire and find a way to not to get burned.

As a result of recognizing how easy it was to take little baby steps (Insert What About Bob quote here) with meeting women, I started see how applicable it was to every other facet of my life. As a giant pussy when it came to heights, I made a point to jump off every cliff I could find. As a person who had never left the country, I made a decision to see the world. As a person who has always dealt with anxiety and panic attacks, I made a life decision to embrace my fears and not allow them to control my life. And in every fear I’ve faced, I’ve always found that it was never once as BAD or SCARY as I had previously predicted. Isn’t it strange how our mind can warp a future event and assume it’s going to be terrible yet when we’re in the moment, we never feel fear, we never feel the pain we anticipate. We are in it, experiencing it and dealing with it. You could argue fear is nothing more than anticipating some form of pain. Yet 99% of the time that pain never comes and time and time again when we encounter situations that we have been dreading, we realize how rediciulous our fretting was. In the moment, we can only act and deal with what is happening. We always find a way to not get burned. This is why fear and worry are so unproductive. They consume our vital energy and direct it towards a ‘painful’ future that never seems to come.

Besides fear, there is another reason people neglect to take risks; comfort.

People are comfortable where they are at. They can get stuck in mediocrity simply because of how easy it is. They are working at a cushy job in which they don’t take risks or make big decisions. They don’t leave their city or town and venture out into the rest of the world. They settle down with the first person that shows interest.

I heard this great analogy of a plant. A plant can survive wherever it grows, at least for a while. And maybe it is not the most nourishing and optimal environment, but for that plant, it is easier to survive in a barren, desolate environment than to uproot and venture into the unknown where there could be more rainfall and nourishing soil.

And just like a plant that lives where there is little rainfall, you can still survive in a mediocre reality. But as a person who is always trying to bring more enrichment into his life, I have a hard time NOT TRYING to better my life and the lives of others in some way. I feel there is always room to grow, improve, and bring to life a dream that starts in the mind and is manifested into a reality. This is part of purpose and part of moving towards an optimal reality-a heaven on earth.

So right now take one small step towards doing something you’ve always wanted to do. Do one thing everyday that scares you and challenges you. Make each and every day as if it were your last day to do something excellent!