Lets face it, first dates can be scary. The good news is that there are variety of things you can do to make a first date go smoothly. There are also a few things to avoid doing! There’s nothing worse than accidentally sending the wrong signals when it’s someone you really like!
What’s up guys (and ladies), you know it’s funny when we started this site about 95% of our visitors were men but now we are getting more and more females which goes to show how much this stuff is relevant to both sexes. What dating, relationship, and confidence issues men go through, women go through as well, just in a slightly different way. That being said, the topic that I want to talk about today applies just as much to women as it does for men; sex. And more importantly when to have it.
Now, if you’re a long time veteran in the dating advice community, you’ll recognize there is a lot of different advice out there. Some schools of thought teach men to have sex with a woman as quickly as possible to solidify their role as the alpha dog. Other schools of thought including our good friend Marni from DWD teach their students to wait up to 60 days before having sex with a person. Now, I’m not going to give a specific timeline as to which of these is better. In my opinion, these are both extremes. And really, when you have sex boils down to what you’re looking for and that particular relationship. However, keep in mind sex is the most intimate act two people can participate in and the time frame that it happens in can dictate the terms of the relationship.
For example, let’s say you go out to the bar, have a few drinks, meet a sexy brunette and the two of you completely hit it off! So much that you end up going home together and having sex. The relationship you’ve developed with this person will have been built purely on appearances and the influence of booze leaving to rest the emotional connection and trust needed for romantic intimacy. While your post coitus may make you crave a sandwich, women are instantly reminded of this lacking, creating discomfort and even the occasional awkwardness. Damn oxytocin! Additionally, you could find when you try to reconnect with this woman she’s reluctant to see you. ”Does he just want to have sex with me? Will it be awkward when I see him?” are common questions running through a woman’s head when she’s rushed a sexual relationship with a guy and now he’s trying to hang out again. So you can see, having sex too soon can be a bad thing.
On the other side of the coin, waiting months to get physical with someone can also not be good. Too much of an emotional relationship without the physical and you’re in store for a new BFF! This is where a lot of guys get hung up in that they enjoy hanging out with a woman but they don’t want to ruin it by making a move. Really, by not making a move they are slowing ruining it for themselves. Ideally, romantic intimacy is built when both the emotional and physical connection are aligned and on the same track! And after the trust, emotional understanding and boundaries are developed then have sex. Generally this happens on date 3 or 4 but when you’re dealing with attraction, dating, and social dynamics, every rule is meant to be broken.
Read more about topic in Foundations
As a side note, recognize I’m no saint in this area and have been on both sides of the spectrum of not waiting long enough and waiting too long to where something platonic has developed. I don’t want to appear as preachy or like I’m infallible or above anyone because I am definitely not and have made just as many (if not more) mistakes as the next person. But as a human being, all we can do is try to implement what we feel is right today. When tomorrow comes, we’ll deal with that then. Until next time,
p.s I’d love to hear what you guys think about this topic. Most everyone has had some experience here. So let’s hear it!
Guest blogger: Marni Battista
site: Dating With Dignity
Have you seen the movie that is currently in release called, “The Invention of Lying?” I saw it last week with Jem and, coincidently, the question of honesty, and “what is the truth,” has been coming up for many Dating With Dignity clients. How honest should you be? Should you disclose everything? If so, when? When it’s “not a match,” should you tell why?
First off, most men and women will say that they want a partner who is honest. In fact, when my clients are creating lists of values they hold as important for themselves and others, honesty ranks in the top five of “must-have’s.” In digging deeper, we typically discuss what honesty looks like to them. Yes, while it seems obvious that honesty is not up for discussion or debate, there are certain situations we discuss in which it might not be necessary or appropriate to tell the absolute truth.
1. How many lovers have you had in the past?
When it comes to kiss and tell, discussing your past is not necessary. The past is done, and for most of us it bares no reflection of who we have are now. If you feel that you must know about your partner’s sexual past, ask yourself why it is important? Do you hold judgements that impact your ability to see a potential partner for who they are now? Or, are you holding on to shame or labels from your past? If so, are you projecting these feelings you have about yourself onto someone else? To be a successful dater, you must ensure you don’t bring your past into the present by unconsciously treating someone new as if he or she were all the “bad” men and/or women from your past. If you feel you must know, do not bring up the subject for at least six months into your relationship. This way, both of you know each other quite well and will be able to put information from the past into proper context.
2. When do I discuss STDs?
If you have an STD, it is important that you are honest with your partner, when it becomes appropriate and necessary to discuss these issues. Clearly, the topic of sexually transmitted disease is not first date fodder. In fact, do not discuss STD’s until you are dating someone and both of you have agreed that the relationship holds potential for becoming monogamous. Make sure you have this conversation vertical and clothed. It is not something best brought up or discussed in the heat of passion.
3. Are you dating other people?
In the 21st century both men and women are dating, a lot. The internet, especially, has made it quite easy for both sexes to have multiple dates in one week. What happens, then, when there is someone with whom you have a connection and want to explore the possibility of relationship. When, if ever, do you let him or her know that you are still dating other people? If you begin to date this person consistently, he or she is someone with whom you would like to continue dating because there is long-term potential, and choose to have sex with him or her, the Dating With Dignity point of view is to make it clear (explicit) that you are still dating other people (if this is true). Typically, men may make the assumption a woman is not sleeping with others if she is having sex with him. If you are a man, and are still dating other people while dating this person, you must be honest, treat her with respect, and enable her to make an informed choice about how she wants to be in the relationship. Perhaps she won’t want to have sex with you if you are still dating others, regardless of whether or not you are having sex with any of the other people you are dating. You do not want this person to mistakenly assume that because you are intimate with each other you are no longer dating other people. Many women will assume that if they have been dating a man consistently and then choose to become intimate, the man is going to be exclusive. None of these assumptions can be made without having an honest discussion, preferably prior to having sex. Again, have this conversation while standing vertically and clothed.
4. If it’s not a match, should you make up an excuse as to why you don’t want to see this person again?
Using the words, “it’s not a match,” is a powerful way to politely disengage from someone with whom you are not interested in dating. Lying, neglect, or choosing to ignore phone calls and text messages are not appropriate if you are dating with dignity. If you are looking for someone to treat you the way you deserve to be treated, then don’t play games. As one of the Dating With Dignity Man Panelists stated recently, “If you play games, then you leave us no choice but to do the same.” This holds true for both men and women. It’s the golden rule, “do unto others as you would have them do to you.” As you know, there is nothing worse then wondering why someone didn’t call when they said they would, questioning why he or she flakes repeatedly, or basing your expectations of a relationship’s potential based on false hopes or impressions. Be honest. Tell him or her that it’s not a match, and then create space for someone else to come into your life.
visit Marni’s website Dating With Dignity
Before facebook took away the admin rights to our ‘generic’ fan page LOVE, we asked our 140,000 fans where the craziest place they’ve had sex was. We recieved nearly 800 responses! Of those 800, here are what we feel are the top 10 craziest places that regular people have ventured into pleasure town.
1) In a church parking lot during the service.
Let’s just hope that they didn’t use the Lord’s name in vain when they finished…
2) In a phonebooth on Mullholland Drive at midnight—the phone booth is long gone now!
I think they were practicing for the mile high club. Tight, public space where only the bold will go.
3)The top of a waterfall
I don’t really know how to picture this, but I imagine that it was cold, and frightening on the way down, hopefully it was a different story for the sex.
4) Inside a goodwill bin
I don’t even know what to say. Congratulations, you’re in the top percent of people who are just downright horny!
5) On the monorail at DisneyWorld
I really hope this was legal. Mickey mouse, you better keep your hands off those young girls!
6) A parade float
7) In a horse pasture.
Nothing turns me on like the sweet smell of manure. I don’t know about you, but one sniff and it’s six to midnight.
8) Sitting out on watch, in iraq, in a humvee
“You’ve got some serious thrill issues dude.” - A quote from one of my favorites, Finding Nemo.
9) In the dj booth while spinning a show
I’m sure she said, “how long have you been DJing for?” And he replied, “This is my first time. I stayed at a Holiday Inn last night.”
10) In a bar with people watching.
That’s called being a whore. But I won’t judge, that takes some serious balls, both figuratively and literally!
To see all 800 responses click here
Question: Hey Briddick ,first off thanks for your great advice. I called her and set up the first date in a cafe. Now to my questions: what
should I do to keep this spark sizzling as far as the first date is concerned? In other words, what would be the best plan for the first date?
Answer: The first date is going to be the ice breaker. It’s where you both get to feel one another out. My suggestion is this
1) Don’t put any expectations on the outcome. It can be easy to play out in your head the date going a certain way and if it doesn’t, you could get discouraged and thrown off. That being said, make a promise to yourself that no matter how she acts you’re going to have fun. This is so important. Woman want a guy who’s FUN! And also, if she throws a curveball (which probably won’t happen) you’ll be ready and be able to adapt accordingly.
2) Don’t try to impress her. She’s already agreed to go on a date with you which means she already has some initial interest in you. A lot of men try too hard to say the right things. Just be yourself and don’t worry if you say something uncool or goofy. Your natural uninhibited self is your best self
3)Have a couple of stories you can relate to and talk about. What do you like to do? What interesting things can you talk about in your life. If often quiet and tend to run out of things to say with people spend a half hour before the date just talking out loud. Read a book. Sing a song. Get out of your head and become comfortable articulating your thoughts and speaking about your life.
4) Ask interesting questions. As it’s a first date you’re probably going to get the run of the mill (what do you do? where are you from?) interview type questions. It’s inevitable. But try mixing it up as well and dig deeper by asking “how did it make you feel when….) or what was it like when X? Good questions can open the conversation flood gates and allow to really get to KNOW someone.
5) Listen to her. Don’t just pretend to listen. Actually hear what she has to say, understand where’s coming from and try to feel what she feels when she’s speaking. Empathy allows you to connect with another person on a very intimate leve. From her listening ask relevant questions (ie omg what was the like? Was it hard for you when you ____) etc
6) Make good eye contact. The window to the soul is in the eyes. When speaking and listening don’t be afraid to hold her gaze just a little bit longer than normal. Believe it or not, attraction alone can be generated from making the right kind of eye contact.
7) Dress to impress. Don’t wear something you wouldn’t normally wear. But sport your finest threads. All the little things make a difference. This also includes grooming- shower, floss, teeth, hair, etc. You want to take care of everything that is in your control and how you look is 100% in your hands.
Well guys, it’s been months in the making and I can finally say the fruits of our labor have paid off aka WE’VE FINISHED and released Foundations. This is so incredible. You have no idea what this means to me. Especially after spending thousands of hours working on this thing, I can finally say YES, it’s done.
The interesting thing is, I didn’t write this book for other people. I wrote it for myself as an expression of what I’ve learned and gone through over the last few years. I know guys are going to read this thing and go WOW, this is incredible, not because I’m showing them something they’ve never dealt with but rather because it explains thed WHY! Why do some guys have a great deal of success with women while others do not? Why do women flock to men who are ALREADY surrounded by women? Why and how do our thoughts determine real life outcomes? These are all questions, I’ve pondered and can thankfully say UNDERSTAND and have HARNESSED.
But more importantly, and this is something you’ll learn if you haven’t already is that nothing is as powerful as giving value. Our net worth is never determined by what we have but by what we can give. And this is true in everything in life including attraction, relationships, finance, etc. Though we’re charging for this book, I know the value exceeds the price ten fold. We’re talking about some life changing ideas here! Anyhow, check out the book. Read a free chapter here. If you enjoy it, then I guarentee you’ll like the book.
Cheers to the good life,
The late psychiatrist Milton Erickson found that whenever it snowed, he would love to wake very early so he would be the first one to layfootprints in the newly fallen snow. As he walked to school, he would trample a round about path that weaved back and forth around the side of school rather than walking in a direct path to the front. And low and behold, the kids that showed up later would follow his weaving round about path, making it wider and more prominent. Erickson used this example of his childhood to illustrate how we develop habits. By doing something or behaving in a certain way, the brain lays a specific neural pathway for that behavior or emotion making it that much easier to do again, for better or worse. Over continued exposure, that neural pathway becomes so prominent that the behavior or way of thinking becomes the natural, default thing to do. A habit is born.
People have a ton of habits. We have speaking habits, emotional habits, sleeping habits, work habits and even body language habits. In becoming an attractive man, you want to break any and mental or physical habits that hinder your ability to meet and attract women. You also want to develop new replacement behaviors that rewire your brain for abundance and success in all areas of your life including relationships.
‘I used to have an unconscious habit of fidgeting every time I was interacting with a woman. Whether it was because I was nervous, anxious or whatever, it had become so ingrained that whenever I was speaking with a woman my hands had to be moving or touching something and my legs were usually bouncing back and forth. Someone eventually brought this to my attention and recognizing the effect of body language, I made a point to keep still when I was around women. At first it was hard and required a lot of focus and energy. But after a few weeks of conscious stilling, I noticed my body began naturally not moving as much when interacting with people. And despite a few occasional self reminders, this new behavior has become a natural and thoughtless habit.’
The process of replacing habits is usually a 5 phase process that consists of 1)Unconscious Incompetence, 2)Conscious Incompetence, 3)Conscious Competence, 4)Unconscious Competence and 5)Maintenance.
This is before the learning begins. When you have a deficiency in a certain area, you will not be aware of it until someone or something brings it to your attention. Without awareness, you cannot know if you’re doing something the right way or the wrong way. You have no idea. Take for example table manners. A child will have no qualms about chewing with his mouth open until someone lets him know that it is impolite to do so. Without awareness, there can be no learning.
When you recognize and accept you are doing something wrong, you have conscious incompetence. You are aware you doing it the wrong way. When a child is told to keep his mouth closed when he chews and that indulging in such behavior is rude, he will have conscious incompetence. He knows he is doing it and knows it is the wrong behavior to do.
Once you have recognized you are doing something wrong, you will consciously make an effort to do it the correct way. You are making a conscious effort to correct your behavior, rewire your brain and avoid reverting back to a bad habit. When the child recognizes his mistake, he makes a conscious effort to chew with his mouth closed. This of course is a controlled process that requires attention.
After massive amounts of repeated effort, the new behavior becomes an automatic process that simply is a part of you and requires no conscious attention whatsoever. Sticking with the previous analogy, after the child has repeatedly made a conscious effort to chew with his mouth closed, he will stop thinking about it yet still perform the task. At this point, it has become part of his natural behavior.
The phrase “If you don’t use it, you lose it’ is absolutely true. As a guy who played soccer for over fifteen years, I eventually retired and invested my energy in other things like meeting and attracting women. However, a couple of years later when I returned to play, I noticed my skills had deteriorated with time. This can apply to anything in life including attractive behavior. Always be willing to occasionaly revisit a learned behavior to prevent yourself from getting too rusty.
It’s important to consider what habits you engage in that help you and hinder you. For those that are holding you back in your relationships and wellbeing, you should always be working towards changing the pattern and allowing better, more effective habits to replace them. For those habits that are productive and considered strong qualities, you should always be strengthening them and making them more prominent in your life.