Develop Listening Skills
An essential part of creating an intimate connection with someone is letting them disclose information about themselves to you. When she is telling you about herself, she is investing time getting to know you. This is the building block of creating a connection. As she shares herself with you, you are listening and responding and being genuinely interested.
Unfortunately, during conversations with guys there are a lot of women thinking to themselves “you just don’t get me, do you?”. This is an extremely common problem that puts up a barrier between male and female understanding. Your ability to listen to what she is saying, and respond accordingly, is essential.
If you are unable to effectively listen to a women, you will overlook many of her personal needs, wants, ambitions, and other things that are mandatory in creating a strong, loving, connection. Following are a few tips that will better your active listening skills.
First let us break down why we listen and how it affects attraction in men and women.
The real reason we listen in attraction is to get her responding to you on an emotional level. You want her to “feel” and keep that feeling directed towards you. By becoming an active listener, you are not necessarily hitting any attraction switches. No, in fact, if you have not displayed any value you are more likely only hitting her affection switches. She will feel affection towards you as she would her sister or her best friend. It makes you cringe doesn’t it. This is why displaying some general value first is necessary. But here is the good part. By becoming an active listener you are learning about how she operates and how she describes the world. You are gaining little tid bits of knowledge about her that you can use to strengthen the connection between the two of you. You will also learn her tastes and distastes which you can use later on dates, gifts, conversations, etc.
When listening to someone remember you are listening to two different channels. You are listening to the surface structure or the content of what is being said. When she says “I knew that he wasn’t right for me” the surface structure tells you exactly that; a guy wasn’t right for her. And then there is the deep structure in which you must consider “why” she telling you that specific bit of information. She could be telling you because she likes you. Or she could be telling you because she just enjoys talking. There could a be a million reasons. Nonetheless, it is important to listen to women on both the surface and deep channels to see what is in fact is actually being communicated. That being said, for this article, we will only focus on listening to her surface content rather than her body language, etc.
1. Learn to understand your own personal style of communication. This is very important. When you learn how people perceive you and what you are communicating, you can also learn to adapt to their particular style of communication. You don’t have to overboard here. You can just simply select and emphasize certain behaviors and body language within your personality that will be best for a mutual understanding. Understand that everyone is different and not all women will respond the same way to you. For example, if she seems a bit quiet and soft spoken, you might try to mirror a similar type of receptivity that will make her more comfortable for her to open up to you.
2. Make sure your physical body language is that of a receiver rather than a deflector. Since our faces are the focal point of communication, we must first take advantage of well….our face. The eyes pick up non-verbal signals that every man and women send out when they are speaking. When you hold eye contact with your women when she is communicating, not only is conveying confidence, it will indicate your attention is on her and that you are listening to her. Hold eye contact frequently when she is talking. Nodding the head is also very important. By nodding you communicate “I understand you and what you are saying.” However, it doesn’t mean you should nod ever second she is speaking. You don’t want to look like your convulsing. Also, it is important to keep your body pointed towards her. This lets her know that your attention is undivided and solely on her.
3. Communicate your active listening verbally. This can be done a few ways. You can communicate comprehension by, paraphrasing in a short sentence or two what you feel the women is saying, relating what she is saying to something in your life, or asking a related question. Here are some examples to communicate you are actively listening to her.
a) “You‘re right. It is so hard to grow up as a middle child.”
b) “I know exactly what you mean. I had a similar experience when I___________”
c) “ What was like for you when you ______?”
And these don’t have to be used alone. They can be combined
Ex) What was that like for you? Because I had a similar experience when I _______”
4. Tune out distractions. When you are talking with a women there are usually going to be other stimuli that will compete for your attention. You must learn to completely ignore this noise and dedicate yourself fully to the conversation at hand. Just focus on her words and let everything else move to the background.
learn more about the power of listening to develop ninja like a attraction skills in our book Foundations