Keep the One You’re With (Part 2)

If you haven’t read part 1 click here

MASON FACTO numero tres

Our world, from indigenous tribes in Africa, to the booming lights and corners of New York City and Japan, share a common belief about masculinity and femininity for children growing up.  We share the belief that boys should do boy things like hunt, fish, play sports, play with toy trucks and trains, and that girls should do girl things, like playing with dolls, makeup, playing house, toiling over the relationship between Barbie and Ken, playing out scenarios of being a princess,  or having prince charming come sweep them off of their feet.  We dress our boys in blues and blacks, and our girls in pinks and yellows.  And though this isn’t the case for every girl and boy, the psychological development for women is such that they are more emotionally adept when it comes to love and relationships.  Simply put, women have been thinking about this ‘love’ game for a lot longer than the typical male and the world we live in reinforces this emotional development.

‘The Smotherer’ doesn’t recognize this, and shows his discomfort in becoming vulnerable.  He demonstrates this by being overly possessive, worrying about every little thing that the woman does.  If she goes out with her friends, he’s worried about who she’s with and who she talked to or danced with.  If she doesn’t call him back at exactly the time that she said she would, he freaks out and calls her, asking in a crazed panic “Is everything OK? I thought maybe you were hurt.  You didn’t call me ten minutes ago like you said and I got scared.”  If she spoke spanish she would probably say to herself “senor es muy loco! Adios chico.”  ‘The Smotherer’ checks her Facebook and gets worried when other men write on her wall or are tagged in pictures next to her.  He makes the woman feel like she has to walk a tight rope, a rope that is one inch thick, stretched for miles across two high towers, and the more that she has to balance, the quicker she’s going to jump off, leave, or fall.

MY ADVICE

When you find yourself feeling jealous, or worried that the woman you like is doing things behind your back, take a deep breath, relax, and tell yourself “everything is going to be fine, these feelings are not helping me, I’m going to let them pass and not affect my mood, or my interactions with her or anyone else.”  What she does is out of your control, and out of respect for her, have a little faith, even if it’s at first blind.

‘The Persistent Guy’ trusts that there is a reason for the woman he likes to do whatever it is that she does.  If she wants to spontaneously elope to Cabo San Lucas for a week, then he doesn’t get worried or put too much thought into the motivation for doing so.  He says, “take some pictures at El Squidroe for me doing the Cha Cha.”  If she doesn’t call when she says she will, then he doesn’t get upset with her, but when they do hang out again, he makes a point to tell her that being flaky is not an attractive quality.  He has standards, but these standards run parallel with his understanding of a woman’s need for independence.  He doesn’t play games and flake out back to spite her.

Becoming Vulnerable

‘The Persistent Guy’ realizes that becoming vulnerable will happen naturally, and his persistence is done in pursuing the moments and opportunities for vulnerability and connection to occur.  He pursues a woman without overwhelming her, paying close attention to how much space she needs while recognizing that too much space will give her the opportunity to be with somebody else.  Attractive women get hit on every day, and because of this, she will meet men who actually do know what they’re doing (even though a majority are clueless).  This is where the persistence pays off, because it’s given him time to establish a connection beyond the bar; ‘The Persistent Guy’ separates himself by creating more opportunities to experience a natural connection, so when she does get approached by somebody who knows what he’s doing, it won’t matter.

Learn to Swim

We can relate this to learning how to swim.  The best way to learn how to swim, is to dip your feet in the water, familiarize yourself with the new sensual feeling of being wet and weightless, and as you become more comfortable with the water, you can slowly move deeper and deeper, until finally you can lift up your feet and swim.  Conversely, if you jump into the deep end of a pool and start to drown, something ‘The Smotherer’ might do, then chances are that it will take you much more time to learn how to swim afterward; scared that you may be in harms way the next time you get in the water.  Allowing yourself to be vulnerable works the same way, so be careful with who you let your guard down with, but also be open to the idea and let it happen.

If you’re falling for somebody, and part of you feels like all odds are against you, try not to make any serious or long term decisions.  Instead, be careful and patient.  Take it slow when you decide to open up with somebody, and try your best to just let things take their natural course.

MASON FACTO numero cuatro

It is a natural phenomena for both men and women to come on STRONGER when the person they love begins to back off.  Backing off is a way of saying, ‘Dude, I need some space,’ therefore the best course of action is to let your partner have her space and take this time for yourself, exploring your own space.  Make plans, and keep yourself busy so that you don’t end up sitting in your bed holding a picture of the two of you together, watching the Titanic, balling your eyes out when Kate and Leo part ways in the sea. Yikes!

Think about this in terms of the boundaries you hold over your own physical space, sometimes called a personal bubble.  If someone stands too close, you may feel closterphobic or uncomfortable, wishing that the person would take a step back, and conversely if somebody is standing too far away, you will find it difficult to hear them and may feel somewhat disconnected.  Imagine being in an elevator with one other person, and they stand too close to you.  As you converse with them, you take a step back but they don’t see your discomfort and step forward toward you again.  Instead of listening to what they say, you glance up anxiously at the floor count, counting down the seconds you can get away from this person.  It’s a very basic concept, when she needs some space, let her have it.

In conclusion, whether you see yourself as ‘The Persistent Guy’ or ‘The Smotherer,’ it’s important to recognize that attraction, courtship, and love all move along a track with no set speed limit.  You may be driving a Black Lamborghini, with black rims, and a cream white interior, and your girl is driving a beat up Ford Pinto with an lighting bolt sticker etched on the rear bumper.  If this is the case then you need to slow down to a speed that she can ride next to you comfortably. The speed on this track is dictated by both partners’ understanding of each other’s readiness to move forward combined with the natural flow.  Like an elegant dance created by two people, whereby you take two step forwards, and she takes two backward, she then pulls you to the side, so you move to the side with her; the timing in each step is dictated by the other person.  Learn to move with her and not against her and you won’t be hearing answering machines, you’ll be kicking back your feet in a foreign country sipping mojitos with the lady of your dreams.